the beautiful!

These past two weeks have been incredibly positive and fun.  I am not sure that I have the word power to fully express all of the feelings that I have been experiencing, but I can talk about one that feels pretty amazing.

Since school has begun, I am feeling quite lucky about a lot of things.  I never think of myself as a lucky individual because I am not sure that an outside force contributes to my happiness.  I don't like to give "luck" any credit after my time here in Ukraine because when I think about my happiest and saddest moments, there was no luck involved.  Everything that happened to me was because of my own actions, or reactions, and I was never successful, or defeated, by chance.  I had clear control over my life choices and feelings.

Also, luck is one of the only Ukrainian values that I have a hard time accepting.  It has shown me that when a culture is so rooted in luck, it loses its steam for many other values that I find so important.  Luck lets us sit back and blame fortune on everything except ourselves.  Luck makes us feel weak and powerless.  Luck convinces us that change is holy and above man's capabilities.

But, I do feel lucky.  Like my whole body is being filled up with some bright light and is giving me a reason to move forward.  And that all the people around me appreciate me and love me.  And that my classes and projects are going so smoothly, and that even a slight scheduling change has been easy and not disheartening.  Almost like my luck is rooted in acceptance of life.  That I am finally realizing that luck is not about getting things by chance, but that luck is really accepting things for what they are and for being grateful for how they will be.

And that is pretty lucky.

again

It will be an unbelievable thing to say I have experienced three fall seasons in Ukraine.  I don't know where I feel, but it's funny to feel a veteran to something that I'm still not sure I fully understand.  I see school just playing right in front of me, but it's like I have taken a very far step back and I do not feel fitted to this dress anymore.

All of the things I have learned for the past two years are turning into repeated situations and I'm feeling very tired of them.  And, to the moments of which I am still saying "what?" - I am not sure I will ever get the answer.  Sometimes, I even just pretend that I'm learning to make myself not bored of what's up.  These "again" moments make me feel annoyed, maybe even a bit unwelcome because I don't know what is exactly the answer.

As for the next few months, I have mapped out all my weekends and weekdays and schedules and minutes... all of those preparations that I should be handling are neatly in order and I'm ready to start stopping this "again" business.  I am so over the broken record thing.

And so, for the change of good and to battle the repetitive, I am teaching a new course at my school on HIV/AIDS education and prevention which should be rad.  And, more importantly, force me to realize that good things can even be found at the very end.

Onward!

wanting

The next four months are dedicated to what I want.  Thank you to the past week for making me realize that I have not been doing so in Ukraine.  No more "not doing what I don't want to do."  This passivity is toxic and has seeped deep into my being.

Harry and me on the beach - I don't think I've smiled like that in months.

gear change

I am usually better about posting at least once a month, so before time slips and I miss July, I am going to just ramble for a minute.  I hope you don't mind.


Currently, I'm trying to get time to slow down and speed up, to get me home but to give me more room to get things done.  Almost ready to be done, but not quite there.


July has been a bit busy, but great - possibly one of the most rewarding, draining, lifting and challenging months of my service.  Every single moment was charged with things.  I am a bit sad to say goodbye to July because I feel like I did not give July a moment for reflection, and that is why I hardly wrote here.  In fact, hardly wrote anywhere.  My journal is lacking in thought, but is back to a travel log.  That is going to change tomorrow.


At the very least, I'm starting August right with a trip with two good friends, and a visit to another best friend.  Thank god for a home away from home away from home (can you guess?).  Expect pictures to flood next week.


And in honor of the months... enjoy this one:

over

You know that feeling when you walk to somewhere new?  Even if it's close, it still feels very far away.  I had that feeling when I first went to shabbat dinner at the Kaminezki's home.  I felt like I was walking and walking up that hill, and even though I knew it was close, the minutes seemed to be snailing.  Like every step I made up that hill was a joke to be laughed at until I finally made it to the front door.  And then the next time I walked, it felt a bit shorter magically just because I knew where I was going.


And maybe not just shorter, but also easier, and simpler, and lighter.  I knew that I'd always get there once, and it's so nice to know that I can get there again.  And all those damn steps it took the first time to get there - it was the same amount of steps as last time, but I didn't hate it as much.  And maybe even the second or third or fourth time, I hated them as well.  I actually did the same thing over and over - counted the minutes, tripped over the same curb, took a wrong turn, miscounted the streets.  


But then there was that first time I took the same exact journey that it felt like I finally got it right.  All completely right.  Like nothing this time or any other time ahead of me in my life of taking those same exact steps was going to get me to trip, fall, or break down.  And it's not like this time I said "I'm going to that destination! Let's go!" with more spunk and energy - I just added a different bounce to a few of the steps and made this walk more important than the last time without even knowing.  Because I'm here, and it feels closer and more familiar than ever.  Almost like I was walking home.

recently

1. Trip home to America was fantastic and fun and easy and normal and stress free
2. Trip home to America made me think about next steps
3. Trip home to America made me miss home, in all ways
4. Trip home to America made me miss Peace Corps friends
5. Trip home to America made me feel ready to take on the last leg.  Hello summertime!


Look at this great photo from d&r's engagement party.  That's Gilad, me and Daniel (Muths) (duh).