This weather is making me totally crazy. First it's beautiful and wonderful outside, and then stormy and windy, and then beautiful, and now rainy. And my whole body is taking it very harshly and it reminds me of this time when I was in Ukraine, and everything outside was just dictating my life. Rainy days were bad days, sunny days were great days, humid days were slow days, cold days were quick days. Even as beautiful as the idea is, it can get really shaky when a bad day comes out of nowhere. What did I do to deserve the weather? Why couldn't I get some sun today? I think that even as the rain is coming down outside, I'm having a hard time focusing because it's like all my thoughts are melting and draining away. I started up a few projects in my life, and hopefully this will just get me to be happier without a ton of distraction from Mr. Sun.
Every time spring comes around, I just have that amazing feeling. Here we go again with the blog post... how much am I going to gush about buds and newness this time around. And now that I'm in America, it's like a totally different type of new to gush about. This is it, part two of the year when we get a second chance to re-up and re-boot, but what is so special about this particular month is that this is the actual source of our year where new ideas and feelings come from. Back in the fall it was about routine and reflecting on the previous year and understanding actions. Now, it is about seeing what comes next. All of the light that we've been waiting for is starting to come back into our lives, and it is just beautiful. It is hard to appreciate living when everything is so dark around us, but when we recognize the awe around us, and the life that is just jumping up everywhere, it's easy to feel good about what is coming next. When things are light around us, we can see clearly and we are able to move forward and to make choices without the cloudy gray. I had a terribly emotional week last week, and I am sure it won't be the last until I am with two strong feet on the ground (are we ever fully on the ground?). But with the added light, I think it will be easier to make choices and keep on.
I am very nervous to publish my first blog post post-Peace Corps. The past few months have been challenging, but a different type of challenging that is so far from what I was used to experiencing while I was in Peace Corps. In Ukraine, I was making the active choice to be in a foreign country, work in a foreign school, eat foreign food and meet foreign friends. My life, at times, was sad and draining and difficult, but it was the choice I made in order to be a better person. I believed that traveling across the world would reveal certain parts of my personality, and that I would grow to know myself a little bit better. I was right. I grew a ton and know a lot more about myself and I am fully confident that the choice to join the Peace Corps was the only right choice. So, in the spirit of trying to get back on track and to keep myself interesting and focused, I am going to re-amp and re-up by taking on this blog again and to start considering my thoughts more seriously. This blog used to serve as a place to exercise my brain, and that is what I need to do to get myself to be active in my life. The past three months have been busy, but not active and I need to remind myself that being interesting means making choices - getting back out there and learning, taking classes, meeting people, showing up and most of all, being and thinking about what I want and going for it.
This week marked the end of a project that I worked on for the past 10 weeks at my school alongside my good friend and fellow volunteer Patrick. During this project, Patrick and I educated Ukrainian students at my school about HIV transmission, prevention and infection. As a final culmination to the seminar, each class was responsible in making a video that would express their understanding of HIV/AIDS in Ukraine and to educate the public on making healthy choices. And now, for the videos:
I feel like I am right at the edge of something. Approaching the end, almost to the goodbyes, practically one foot out the door. And a million different feelings are surfacing. And it's not helping that everyone is asking me how I am feeling about going home because I am admittedly terrified... Of leaving my kitchen where I learned how to bake for fun, or my bed where I figured out how to perfectly sleep, or my school where I am finally loved for my presence, or my city where I can get around without getting lost. Of not feeling comfortable in my own skin and not being supported. Of going back to an old life, and not being active in my new one. Excited about what is next. Excited to see my family. Excited to see my best friends. Excited to be back in a city that is full of culture and life, and excited to feel heat in my toes. Excited to read a book on transportation that isn't bumpy, and excited to smile at people. Excited to communicate and be heard.
When I make banana bread, I have to mix the ingredients together in steps in order to make the best possible batter. After so much time making this treat during my time here in Ukraine, I have officially memorized the recipe and can bake it in almost an hour flat - from start to finish, right from the moment I start measuring out the flour to the moment I pull it out of my soviet style oven. I can't believe how I have perfected using that oven. When I first started using it, I had no idea how to even light it, and now two years later, I have created a perfect relationship with it - I know exactly how much time and energy and love and flour to combine in order to make the best cakes, cupcakes, cookies and lasagnas. This makes me think of all the perfect combinations and collaborations I have had to develop. And also thinking about what makes a perfect product. All of those meetings and dates and dinners and coffees and lessons and seminars and phone calls and bump-ins that were either too long or too quiet or too intense that never went past their initial meaning - that just stayed at the surface definition because there was no balanced collaboration. And then those emails and talks and teas and lunches that did turn into something - something amazing. Almost as delicious as my banana bread. The amount of love and dedication involved in my best moments is immeasurable - not just from my end, but from all of those wonderfully supportive, creative, intelligent and hardworking individuals that were willing to put aside their own stubborn ideas and move forward in order to compromise, negotiate and mix. That is what makes me believe that my best time here in Ukraine did not just come from me, but that my best experiences and growth can be traced back to the combination of good hearts and good minds (Mandela). The only way I grow, and believe the only real path to change can exist, is when I start listening to others and start working with with the right ingredients and support. This applies to most of my larger beliefs about what teamwork can do for our world. It's good I (kinda) know what I'd like to do with my life. It would be very lonely to drink tea and eat banana bread without the right company.
These past two weeks have been incredibly positive and fun. I am not sure that I have the word power to fully express all of the feelings that I have been experiencing, but I can talk about one that feels pretty amazing. Since school has begun, I am feeling quite lucky about a lot of things. I never think of myself as a lucky individual because I am not sure that an outside force contributes to my happiness. I don't like to give "luck" any credit after my time here in Ukraine because when I think about my happiest and saddest moments, there was no luck involved. Everything that happened to me was because of my own actions, or reactions, and I was never successful, or defeated, by chance. I had clear control over my life choices and feelings. Also, luck is one of the only Ukrainian values that I have a hard time accepting. It has shown me that when a culture is so rooted in luck, it loses its steam for many other values that I find so important. Luck lets us sit back and blame fortune on everything except ourselves. Luck makes us feel weak and powerless. Luck convinces us that change is holy and above man's capabilities. But, I do feel lucky. Like my whole body is being filled up with some bright light and is giving me a reason to move forward. And that all the people around me appreciate me and love me. And that my classes and projects are going so smoothly, and that even a slight scheduling change has been easy and not disheartening. Almost like my luck is rooted in acceptance of life. That I am finally realizing that luck is not about getting things by chance, but that luck is really accepting things for what they are and for being grateful for how they will be. And that is pretty lucky.
