hogy vagy?

(re: the title is not pronounced as written in English, but rather, in Hungarian).


I'm so tired of teaching sometimes.  And I feel so selfish saying this because I do not have much left of the school year (<2 months), or even my service (December 2012 end), for that fact.  I am practically not in Ukraine for the month of May, between travels and the holidays, and still, the idea of going to school tomorrow feels... unnecessary.


I have been having a bit of an internal struggle brewing inside of me.  Things that I want, and things that I do, and things that I see necessary, and things that I avoid, and things that I act upon, and things that I use, and things that I take, and things that I leave... I spend minutes at school sitting, and thinking, and writing, and wondering about growth, and don't really push myself much further past that.  I have switched into "looking for better" mode.  Once, a good piece of advice to myself, I use this advice in a poor way and it runs my life.  Almost, to an excess.  I abuse the power of the countdown, and forget where I am sometimes.  As the Change Harvest (4000grv+ - shazaam) and the World Culture projects come to a close, I lose sight of my actual role in my school.  


I'm almost ashamed to admit and type the inevitable: what is going to become of me when my school loses me?  Or even better, what is going to become of me when I lose my school?  I feel like I safeguard myself by weening myself out of the classroom in order to make it easier on myself to remove myself from Ukraine.  Almost 10 months of feeling a part of this place, the idea of leaving in 8 months terribly frightens me.  Not so much leaving Ukraine - but leaving Dnepropetrovsk.  


This city that has been so kind and patient with me - has given me the chance to grow spiritually, and to really learn about what type of person I am.  I have no idea if I'd ever be able to accomplish any of this while in America, surrounded by people who know me and would not let me grow up or out or in.  I would have had to grow in a specific stream of Avital that was flowing in one direction, when really, my whole being has grown so much more while being alone and figuring out what I actually like to do in my free time.  I never thought I would appreciate the countless interviews from Ukrainian children.


So, in short, I'm doing well, and looking for something to keep my chin up.  It's spring time, and I'm pretty happy to see things springing up.  Hopefully, I'll be able to think as fast as the flowers.

making small change

There are definitely those days during the Peace Corps when I say "Avital, what the heck are you doing all the way in Ukraine? Home is where the Muth family is located!  Home is where sushi is always fresh and pizza is cheesy!  Home is where a rolling pin is not a water bottle!  Home is where your brother is celebrating his engagement! (mazal tov, D&R) Home is where beer comes in more than two flavors - light and dark!  Home is where buses have stop buttons and streets are clean!  Home is fast paced, easy, comfortable, familiar... There is nothing miraculous about service.  I don't feel like I am home and I don't think I belong."

But, today (!), today, was a day.  A fantastic day for not just me, but for also a good friend and I said "Well, I'll be damned.  Look at us volunteers go - instilling good values in Ukrainian youth."  Today, I counted kopeks with my Ukrainian students and personally, I have raised 349.98 hryvna.  All the other classes are bringing in their kopek jars, and it looks like we're going to be raising well over 1000 hryvna just from coins.

And this all comes in the most joyous of seasons - Purim!  A miracle hidden in story, a divine power nowhere to be found.  Divine presence is seldom felt in our lives, and during service, I can say that I have had my fair share of feeling like anything I'm doing feels important, or well worth the 7000 mile separation.  Sometimes, our reasons for acting don't even mean anything at the moment - how could I have known 18 months ago when I started a kopek jar that I would be (eventually) teaching Ukrainian children about philanthropy and the power of small change - just like the Queen of change herself (Esther saved the Jewish people from death - my kids are helping a health organization battle death in Ukraine).  What a crazy world - I can reflect on what's happening in my head and in the calendar at the same time.

So, get a jar.  Take out your coins daily.  In 18 months, maybe you'll get some change worth change.

rest

This past weekend, Caroline and I decided to explore spirituality.  Well, we are always exploring our spirituality on our weekly shabbat walks to the Kaminezki family, but this weekend Caroline requested to be "shomer."  Now, the last time I can remember not turning a light on during Shabbat dates back to a completely different time in Muth family life.


I remember going to my savta's house with Daniel and Gilad and waking up really early in the morning with no lights on in the house, except in the kitchen and bathroom.  There would be tea on the table with a yellow sponge cake.  I could smell chulent in the crockpot.  My brothers would be on their way to the small synagogue down the block with my grandfather, and I would make my way down later with Savta.  We'd sit in this tiny room behind the main room, with all these old books that had these cool designs on the pages' edges.  The only sounds from the other room we could hear were through this tiny little window up top on the wall.  We'd usually go back and eat lunch, and then enjoy time together.  I can't even remember what we did, but nothing about those moments seem difficult.


It's all kind of hazy now, and I haven't thought of keeping Shabbat like that in years.  In Binghamton, it was a tradition to go eat breakfast at Cracker Barrel.  In high school, I'd sleep in, then go downstairs and drink tea with my mom.  We'd probably talk for a bit, and then make our way to lunch somewhere else, but then spend the rest of the day talking about what I'd be doing at night.  In Ukraine, I travel, work, go out, talk on the phone, watch movies, cook, skype.


This past Thursday and Friday, I prepared all that I needed for Shabbat.  Chocolate cake, egg salad, eggplants, yogurt, cereal, hot water.  I switched on all the necessary lights and turned off the ones that would prevent us from sleep, shut my phone, made my call to America, prepared my bed, found reading material... Caroline and I were ready to stop moving and start examining because all that we needed had already been taken care of earlier.


All week, we prepare our mental state for Shabbat.  Now, I know that in the past I hadn't kept this tradition alive in practice, but technically, Saturdays have always been a rest from the constant purpose search.  On all the other days, we are constantly trying to find completion to our being.  6 days dedicated to "what am I doing here?" and "how do I make me better?" and "what do I need to do to get these kids to stop talking?" and "when am I going to get to Lviv already?" and "why does the bus always run late on days that I need to print?" and "where is my flash drive?" and "who is going to come to my seminar?" and "if I travel this weekend and spend money, will I be able to enjoy myself the weekend after?" and "am I ever going to stop this and...?" then Shabbat sneaks up while I'm mid-question, and I have to let go of all of those questions and be settled with my answers.


On Shabbat, I have reached my potential being and I need to look inside at what that currently means.  There is no more building.  I can't answer anymore questions about how to grow higher or wider or better or deeper.  I have to stop construction and start examining and scaling all the walls.  


All that I know about me can only be found within and I should not be working anymore to continue the search.  Shabbat, according to tradition, sustains us.  We have already found a purpose and we don't need to ask any questions to make us complete.

Camp MAKE 2012 - PLEASE DONATE

Dear friends and family,

Almost 17 months ago, I came to Ukraine with a group of American volunteers to help the Ukrainian people, specifically youth, to learn English, develop certain skills and communicate effectively in another language.  During my experience here, I have achieved some personal goals, such as language expansion, friendship building/making, and have even begun to narrow down my own future plans post service.  All of these things seemed incapable of achieving, but with your support and the American government, I was able to grow positively.  In Ukraine, the youth are not as lucky.

Ukraine, as a young country, has grown tremendously in the past twenty years. However, looks don't mean everything. Behind the curtain of development, deep cultural attitudes and a legacy of Soviet leadership lessen people's ability to organize themselves and improve their country. In a society where individuality was discouraged, few people are creative enough to solve problems.  In a country where native leadership was destroyed, too few Ukrainians have the skills to change and develop their country.

This summer I will be working at Camp MAKE, a Peace Corps ran camp dedicated to leadership development and Ukrainian youth.  Our goal at Camp MAKE is to develop homegrown Ukrainian leaders by teaching youth about project management, teamwork, and multiculturalism. Camp MAKE motivates, encourages, and opens the minds of youth to new ideas. 

Ukraine needs of lot to meet the challenges of the 21st century: clean water, medicine, safe transportation, paved roads and more. This project is designed to correct the underlying challenges that keep Ukrainians from solving their own problems: a wholesale lack of native leadership and innovation. Camp MAKE aims to create a generation of curious, creative, compassionate Ukrainian leaders. MAKE stands for Multiculturalism, Action, Knowledge, and Empowerment, but it means much more.

Camp makes change. Camp makes waves. Camp makes a difference.

To read more and consider supporting our chance to make change, please visit our website at: campmake.wordpress.com, or go directly to the Peace Corps donation website at: https://www.peacecorps.gov/index.cfm?shell=donate.contribute.projDetail&projdesc=343-295. If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to email (campmake@gmail.com).

I appreciate any help you can give. Donating to Camp MAKE 2012 will help make the possibility of a better future for the promising Ukrainian youth.

Thank you,

Avital Muth

veneer

I just feel like I need to post something, so here goes...


I've been kind of bored and the weather got the best of me for the past two weeks.  Not necessarily as bad as last year, but definitely felt quite contained inside the apartment, and as a result, stuck inside my head.  Lately, I've been hearing about truth.  It is so easy to believe whatever is said to me, but am I at fault if I do not question what I hear?  Maybe even questioning it adds to the fire.  I decided that the best way to fix what I need is to get out of my head and into "now."


I haven't been traveling much since I got back from Israel.  I'm quite happy about that decision because I had not been at site for a while, and wanted to spend time here relaxing, working and focusing back on school.


I am proud to announce that I have begun two major projects, one more justice focused and the other cultural focused.  The first (click the link to see it on my school's website!) teaches students at my school about the power of one and the power of many - while individually we can make small changes, when we combine our forces and have the same goal, we can make a real difference.  We are collecting coins (just) and at the end of the month, all of this money will be donated to an organization of the students' choice.  The second is a chance for 8th form students at the school to learn about different countries around the world through various English discussion topics.  They will learn about different countries around the world, and I will be the "American in Residence" and teach them about American culture.  Both projects will last until the end of the school year.


пока.

follow up

thank you, rebecca!

2012!!!!

Hello new year!  The past month has been wonderful and exciting.  I celebrated Chanukah with my faux-family, Kaminezki, almost every night.  I went to Israel for a few minutes with Colette.  It was almost as good as being home without the drain of a 10 hour flight.  Good trip.  I met Caroline's host family in Коржи (Korzhi) and celebrated Ukrainian Christmas with them.  Quite a world of difference from my experience in Vasylkiv.  New semester at school starts in a few more moments, and then it's like summer is already here.... and, shaz-am!, spinned.


This is such an exciting time in my Peace Corps Service.  Officially flipped, and the time I have been in Ukraine has begun to outweigh the time I have left.  But something about January makes me feel so stuck.  Like, I really have two months of this winter ahead of me to get through?  Last year was terribly slow and depressing.  And impossibly hard.  Being alone in the first few moments of service, and in the middle of a time when there was nothing around me except snow and ice.


So to shed some light on the beautiful lights that are surrounding the city currently. Darkness completely consumes my being.  It's quite cold outside, and the sun sets at about 3:30.  Weather is dreary and there is nothing that screams sunglasses.  I have an obligation to wear a scarf, gloves and hat, and of course a winter coat.  Quite easily, I can get unsure in the frozen air and just sneak away into my bed and camp out for the next two months and not speak to a soul.  Then lighting the candles just a few weeks ago reminded me to spark up.  Remember that darkness falls but light can be found anywhere.  And now, there is something to look forward to: I did this!  I have already done a year here, and quite possibly, this is my year to do it right!  Well, maybe not right, but definitely more informed.


Keep the light in mind when it feels like the same season of darkness is around you.  Think about the year before (see it?), and see how you overcame the hardness that you thought impossible (feel it?).  It seemed totally crazy to get through, but hey, 2012, what's up?